Living the same day over and over again can dull a once keen mind and dispirit a once lively heart; a withering sickness from sameness. Predictability removes the thrill of life and in its space, boredom incubates feelings of discontentment and frustration, blurs the line between wants and needs, and distorts the perception of good, bad, right, and wrong. It’s a dreamless lull devoid of desire.

To get out, it’s a constant decision to fight the battle between smooth invariability and chaotic uncertainty. Every known truth and belief is challenged in the midst, temptations to relapse back into old habits surround each step forward, and the most demoralizing question never ceases to appear: “is this even worth it?”

Now that I’m here, stuck in between a rock and a hard place, I understand how crucial it is to believe without reason that the boring, tedious, unflattering, hard work will pay off. It’s neither pleasant nor comfortable restructuring the systems to live by, but true change can’t occur from a place of comfort. Some healthy doses of strain and stress is necessary because without friction there can be no fire to initiate the catalyst. Saying “no” to a bad habit today makes it a little easier to say it tomorrow, and so on and so on. I believe it’s in this duet, this battle for supremacy of agency within, that unconditional love of self is found; being that peace, trust, and happiness is most valued when fought hard for.

But progress is not linear, and that’s a reality I struggle with. Hope alone drives me on. The hope that the gut feelings, bits of information, “meaningless” clues, “random” social encounters, and all of the other “coincidences” come together into one beautiful accord that I’ll have the honor to call my life’s story.