I lost the ability to respect myself and my decisions. 

We are annoyed when others never commit to the plans and promises they make, or when we realize that someone we need at the moment is untrustworthy and unreliable. But when we give ourselves that same treatment, or lack there of, we can’t seem to understand why we feel so disconnected from what we want to accomplish versus what is actually happening by the end of each day.

I believe the spirit of self and the body of matter are separate yet mutually compatible entities that together, form who we are. They are always in conversation and at play with one another to maintain balance and stability, but when one is forcibly silenced to allow near complete agency for the other, too much of ourselves, thus reality as well, is distorted upon consideration and reflection. 

Usually, some hard truth is just too hard to bear or acknowledge so we reduce as much attention and time in regards to that truth to expend it on areas of more peace and pleasure. 

This tendency seems satisfactory at the moment, but all that happens from this denial is an imperceptible rise in insecurity, anxiety, strain, shame, angst, agitation, and lastly, fear. Fear of the moment when we’re forced to confront the true scale of all that’s been ignored and suppressed. Fear of what will be asked of us to compensate for all that’s been lost in flight. Fear of what comforts and confidences will be stripped from us from the exposure of our faults. Or the fear that our deepest insecurity, the one we’ve constructed this entire reality against, will be all that the rest of the world sees us as, thus validating the most feared belief of our character. 

A life founded on shame and shiftiness is no way to live. 

Concede to yourself of all that you have disallowed, forgive yourself of all past offenses, and begin a new day aware of all that has been, all that is, and all that can or can never be. Once the past is properly memorialized in solidity, and the present is spent intricately placing each brick and bolster, it’s possible to project the future progression of exceptionality rather than mediocrity. 

If possible (or as much as possible), reset your daily routines so you may tell yourself that “this is the life that I chose so I will choose to be great, and there is no longer any situation that I am in that is by force or against my will. I am free.” So don’t retire too early. There’s still work to be done and many sows to reap. 

Choose to be sure of what you do to ensure that what is done is in consequence of what you intend to commit. Each choice — right, wrong, good, bad, accident, purpose — nurtures and promotes a certain rooted belief towards fruitful actualization. Walk in stride to the virtues you hold highest in light of whatever predicaments may befall you. Until you meet reality with a self and body coupled with groundedness and truth, you will continue to encounter shadiness and elusivity. 

Be present and open, and remember that the only person who is harmed by falsity is the teller themself because every untruth fractures trust inward before it ever deceives the world. Integrity is not proven by how convincingly you perform, but by how consistently your inner voice aligns with your outer action. When you tell yourself the truth, even when it is inconvenient or humbling, you restore coherence between who you are and how you live. From that coherence, respect is rebuilt, direction sharpens, and life begins to respond not with resistance, but with clarity.